On a computer so I can TYPE!

 I'm enduring a process that I intend to see through, and might be interesting to describe. Basically, the experience overwhelmed me physically and mentally. In that state of "just trying to keep up" with the moment by moment demands of the desert, I had to jettison the dreams of what the trail "should be" in my mind. Who would undertake something like this without first building up a dream world of what they expect it to be? I certainly did that. While I expected to be tired at the end of each day, I didn't know the extent of the challenges in the way of recovering for the next day.

It's pretty easy to do a "big day." Because you go home to a warm, dry bed and all bodily systems recover so nicely that you don't even know what they required to achieve that. For example, the problem of "monkey butt." Normally, we all know how to deal with the bathroom and such things. But day after day, being hot and sweaty and certainly without showers, you can get an infection which makes walking painful. Everybody gets this at some point, and until they suffer enough, they don't learn the skills required to prevent it. I was a sufferer! I never had to care before, because I wasn't out and about for so long in harsh environments. I also misplaced my toilet paper (later I found it in the pack :( ), so I had to resort to the notion of the clean right hand and the dirty left hand still in use in many places of the world. I didn't care, I'd do whatever I had to do in order to ensure that the region remain absolutely clean, because there is no chance of reaching water and  surviving the desert unless I can put in a good 20 miles or more.

So I was dealing with things like this. I found a crew of hikers that were a bit faster than me, but I decided it was healthy to keep with them and learn. They are all veterans of prior long trails like the PCT and the AT. So then I had the problem of a pace that threatened exhaustion, and I feared overtaxing my feet, which always hurt. But who is to say what is reasonable amount of pain? All thru-hikers talk about how painful the feet become as the day wears on. If I don't accept a high standard for number of miles per day, what happens to me then? Well, I certainly won't make it to the end of the trail. I'll have to construct an alternate vision of success, like "I enjoyed 2 of the 4 states very nicely." Also, I don't really know if that would satisfy me...I fear that I'd have a nagging feeling that I copped out. So I decided to hold the high standard set by Slim, GoGo and Blueberry (and others), to see how much I was really hurt, and how much I was only in an adjustment period.

The consciousness at this point is hammered by doubts and fears, clinging to small victories and engaging in an inner "bargaining" self-talk which balances pain endured with small rewards enjoyed. Like "I can eat 2 of the candy bars today, because tomorrow will be easier, and also it is hotter today." Or, "if I push all the way to the road, then I'll allow the consideration of a full rest day depending on how my feet feel on waking up. But if I don't push on, then no, there is no chance of a rest day because I'm simply moving too slow."

All those imagined relaxing periods do not occur. You feel always weak, and yet keep moving. Hoping that a "new you" will emerge who is equal to the goals that your curiously harsh will is laying out. Sometimes, up before dawn and making good time, you look around, satisfied, comfortable and proud of yourself. Other times, you are a little worm, shrinking before the thought of another six miles before you can drop to the ground and cease moving. All the high-minded thoughts about how uplifting mountains are have disappeared, leaving only a mute and harried man who shuffles forward without outward complaint, but whose insides churn with muttered bargains and rationalizations.

So!

Is it so very bad with me?

No.

I describe all this because now, after 7 days non-stop I can see the process, and report that it is working. I CAN keep going. I CAN remain healthy. I DO make pretty good decisions regarding water, food and equipment. I make friends and participate in the barter economy of information, of entertainment, of deepening relationships. I see that others have dropped out for many reasons...good luck protected me from some of them, but good choices others. My obsessing in March over the sock system likely saved me from the blister horror shows happening out here. My many training hikes protected me (so far) from the common overuse injuries...shin splints, plantar fascitis, etc.

I can report the trail is damn fun, too. Even this morning, getting up at 4:30 to make a 12 mile road walk...I exulted in the stars overhead, and the distant lights of Silver City on the plain far below. I have many, and growing resources in the form of sinew, experiences, and friends I can ask a favor from.

Slowly I become EQUAL to the trail, and by this process I may rise above it again, back to the land of dreams where my real home is. Dreams must have a basis in reality from which to launch. Since my old dreams were out of true with the reality of the CDT, they had to die. But seeds have been planted in fertile ground, and like the phoenix...I will rise!

Thank y'all for listening to my thoughts. I'm so happy to share with you!